Monday, September 3, 2012

Fuck Isaac- Alone Through the Storm

Living in New Orleans has been something of an awakening for me.  I hate hurricane season and it seems that the past year and some change of my life has been just that. I have endured great struggles and am still standing, but in what condition?  I am over this.

I am battered and bruised, isolated and angry. Isaac just amplified that for me. The outages, a mere metaphor for the areas of my life in which I feel empty and alone. Just like New Orleans, I appear to be a big ass party, but beneath the surface shit is a mess. My soul is impoverished and I feel like my life is a big ass show. 

People ask me why I don't just evacuate, but there is a great cost to running. My resources are depleted and my energy is drained (literally and figuratively). I am facing my storm like the Beasts of Southern Wild. Crazy. Determined. Defiant. And Alone. 

Now, my life hardly mirrors that of so many that are actually suffering physically (and beyond). People have lost their homes and in some cases loved ones. Their entire way of being compromised by this asshole, Isaac. I actually feel like a dick complaining at all. Yet here I am. 

If none of this makes any sense, let me make it plain. I am 36 and single (and I don't want to be). I have no children that I bore. My life is full of stuff  (job, people, material things) but yet it feels totally empty. I have worked and worked to create the life I want for myself, yet still I am alone. 

And, yes, I am aware that most of what I'm saying is irrational. I know that there are people in this world who love me and care about my well being. I know there are people who wish they had power right now or one of these fucking degrees or a family who loves them. I know I sound like a total douche for complaining.  But I'm tired of pretending that shit is all good.  I know hurricane season is an annual occurence, but I do not want  to endure these storms alone for the rest of my life. 

Well, there it is. I said it. I mean it. And I don't care who wants to judge. This is where I am. 

*Praying for peace and partnership and the kind of love that can squelch life's storms.*

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